I’m an average mom. Like most, I try hard to spend time with them, love them, teach them but occasionally lose my cool and need a break from the monsters. I love my boys more than words could express and was deeply saddened when I asked if Chase would still marry me when he grows up and he explained to me that he couldn’t because I was his mom and already married to Dad. My heart broke.
Although my sons are still young, it hurts to see them growing into little boys. It’s hard to see that I no longer have to spoon feed them or snuggle them until they fall asleep.
I miss seeing them stagger down the hall as they’re learning to walk. I miss onesies, I miss tummy time, I miss monthly pictures next to their stuffed animals, I miss baby toys that don’t have 839 pieces to them, and oh how I miss baby carriers.
I miss the coos and toothless smiles and I miss catching Andrew napping on the couch with a baby on his chest. I love babies, which brings me to my current issue- Are we done having kids? Is this it? I’ve said that we’re done for a while now but it’s hard because the decision I make now is forever.
I have never been one to make rash decisions and spontaneous is the last word someone would describe me. It once took me three weeks to decide on a lip gloss that I had a gift card for. It’s just lip gloss but I had to research different tingly kinds, smells, colors, kind of applicators, where to buy them, costs, coupons and sales. And this is for a lip gloss that I didn’t even have to pay for. The decision to have children is obviously 100 times harder.
But I’m feeling the pressure. I’ve always wanted two to three kids all by the time I was 30 and 30 has passed. Grey will be three in just a few weeks so they’d be close to four years apart. Is that too much distance? Will they be close? Will I feel pressure to have another to keep that one busy? How many naps will this baby miss if we’re going to soccer and basketball games? We just started going to movies as a family, do I want to give that up? How could I handle three?
I am a bundle of stress, especially when it comes to my kids. I’m not sure my mental capacity could handle caring for three children. At times, I feel I may explode with just the two. They don’t ever stop talking in the car and Grey will yell and scream until you repeat that he saw a police car. Chase told me I was a bad mom the other day because I made him carry his cup to the kitchen. Toys… EVERYWHERE. Getting the boys into the tub at night is chasing them around the house naked (them, not me) for 20 minutes. And then it’s a fight to get them out of the tub because it’s cold and because they want to stay and play. There’s lots of tackling, fighting for toys and arguing. Do I want to add another to that?
I was done. I feel like my children are fortunate and we have enough. I never want my children to feel they didn’t get enough time or attention from us. I want them to have their own space, own identities and lots of memories with us. I feel like they get that now. The boys were lucky enough to have gotten passports before their first birthdays. Chase has been to four countries, Grey to three and I want them to experience the world and life. Would a third change that? We do weekend staycations, home-made birthday cakes, Lagoon season passes, soccer, basketball, movies and lots of trips to Chick-fil-A. Another baby would surely change that and I don’t think I’m willing to give those things up for my kids.
So when Andrew and I sat down to REALLY discuss this decision, we decided on enjoying and loving on just the two boys. And then I cried. Is that what I want? Is this phase of our lives really over? What if we had a girl? What would she look like? How would Andrew be with a little girl?
I know this is something we have to figure out for ourselves but there’s a lot to consider. I’m feeling pressure to quickly make a decision and time is ticking. But I miss these little faces.